B1G, MAC and a Mountain of Easy Mac? The Bottom 10 will take them all!


Editor’s note: As SEC football creeps closer, the Big Ten makes official its return and the Pac-12 is perhaps poised to do the same, the Bottom 10 isn’t waiting for anyone. There is already plenty of bad college football to grade.

Inspirational thought of the week:

They can’t keep you away
I’ll find the road to you someday
And baby, the day I do
I’ll make our every wish come true, oh yeah

I will never say goodbye
Even though my heart may cry
Oh, wait, the world must be a fool
I will sit and dream of you

And wait for you to come home, yeah
I’ll wait for you to come home

— “I’ll Wait for You to Come Home” by Stevie Wonder

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the vat of maroon dye used to color Marty Smith’s sideline reporter pants, we’ve spent the past week furiously flicking the screen of our Blackberry. Why? To constantly refresh our Twitter feeds, anxious to spot that inevitable beautiful news headline that will bring us joy; the announcement that will once again make us feel whole; the words that will finally restore the true Bottom 10 once again.

That announcement will, of course, come from the college football titans of the Midwest and West Coast, those teams and coaches and programs that always leave us rapt with attention, our eyes fixed upon and our hearts thusly filled with the wins and, more importantly, the losses that are posted in stadiums across Michigan, Ohio, California, Colorado and the like.

One day, perhaps the right decision shall finally be made by those in charge of those conferences and a return-to-play announcement will finally come, as will our elation, the kind of relief that comes only when we can once again feel like ourselves. …

Wait … my pager is going off …

OK, a lot of people are telling me these announcements have already happened or will happen as soon as Thursday of this week. What, you thought I was referring to the Big Ten and Pac-12? Poppycock! We’re waiting on the MAC and Mountain West. Heck, we’d settle for just the MAC East and Mountain West West; or even the MAC West and the Mountain East East; or, even better, a Mountain of Easy Mac. We don’t care if it comes from the west or east, as long as it comes with that packet of Central Michigan Chippewas-colored cheese powder.

With apologies to Stevland Hardaway Morris and Steve Harvey, here is this week’s Bottom 5.

1. ULM (pronounced “uhlm,” 0-2)

The Warhawks opened the season with a 37-7 loss against Army and then lost the season’s first Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year (PFOWY) 38-17 to Texas State. So, naturally, we should expect their next opponent to score 39 points, right? Well, maybe. Because that next opponent will be coming to town for PFOWY II: Electric Boogaloo. And who is it? Drumroll please … like, whatever sound a drum makes when it’s actually rolling, like down a flight of stairs …

2. UTEPID (2-1)

Wait, how can a team with a winning record be ranked this high/low? When that team’s two wins have come against two of the small handful of FCS squads that are playing this fall and both finished in the lower half of the Southland Conference one year ago. That included its win Saturday night, a nail-biting, 4-point victory against Abilene Christian. If our old friends from El Chuco want to finally climb out of these rankings for the first time in forever, a big-time win against ULM would be a great start. Also, someone needs to inform the sportswriters hall of fame that I just wrote the words “big-time win against ULM.”

3. Muddled Tennessee (0-2)

The Blue Raiders need to stop playing schools named for their famous armed forces. They’ve lost to Army and Troy by a combined score of 89-14. As if the season hadn’t already been unexpectedly strange enough for a team that has been to seven bowl games since 2009, now it faces R.O.C.K. in the UTSA after the Roadrunners just received their first-ever AP Top 25 votes. Actually, it was just one vote. But still, how 2020 is that?

4. Southern Missed (0-2)

Week 1: Southern Miss lost to Bottom 10 stalwart South Alabama. It was the Jaguars’ first road victory since 2017, spurring USM head coach Jay Hopson to quit. Week 2: Southern Miss blew a 17-point lead and lost on a fourth-down, scrambling, back-of-the-end-zone TD pass with 14 seconds remaining. Week 3: A would-be game-winning field goal to defeat Tulane at home is deflected by a disabled Soviet spy satellite as it crashes onto the field at M.M. Roberts Stadium. OK, that last one hasn’t happened yet, but at this stage, we shouldn’t be surprised if it does.

5. The B1G

Are we excited to see the college football titans of the Midwest return to the field one month from now? Of course! But we’re most excited about a day in the not-so-distant future when we can enroll in the class titled, “Public Relations 201: Big Ten Football 2020 and How Not to Ever Handle Anything Publicly, Like Ever.” It’s sure to become a staple of business colleges around the world … well, except for probably 14 of them located between Nebraska and New Jersey. Perhaps they should invest in some “Row the Boat” gear from P.J. Fleck and distribute it at the next conference brainstorming retreat.

The Waiting List: Syracuse Burnt Orange (0-2), Snooze Forest (0-2), FSU Semi-no’s (0-1), Baylor’s Week 1-turned-Week 5 opener (0-0), The Big 12’s Little 3 (0-3), Texas State Armadillos (1-2), COVID-19.

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